Ladies, this is a message from a fellow who really, really likes heterosexual women, and appreciates it when that affection is returned. Most men won’t tell you the truth about what they like in person, because they don’t want to offend you, and yes, because they fear rejection.

I thought it was about time someone just bit the bullet and was straight with you. You know all the advice in “Cosmo” and its sister magazines? The “high fashion” fads? Well… look, just… fuhgeddaboudit. You know as well as I do that those people have an agenda, and that agenda is to sell you stuff. My agenda, and I am being completely honest here, is to let you know what it is that men actually like (I am a man, so you can be dead certain you’ll at least impress me) so that my view of the world improves. Now — which do you think is more honestly aimed to inform you of the truth? Cosmo? Or me? With that in mind…

I gravitate towards strong, intelligent women. I was raised among strong women; women who built businesses from the ground up, performed on a par with the best men in the field they chose, and never gave an inch they didn’t choose to on matters of substance. I not only appreciate this attitude, I demand it. By all means, excel and go for something meaningful. This does nothing but build respect in my view of you, and of course — it is good for you.

But ladies… so many of you are forgetting that no matter what your business goals, no matter what your educational level, no matter if you come head to head on a competitive basis with males at every turn… you’re still 1/2 the package that makes up the compound sexuality which informs, enhances and evolves heterosexual relationships. You do not have to “be” a man in order to take men on in areas of your life where competition is of use or interest to you. You can be as feminine as can be and still kick our asses (and make us like it!)

Working under the perhaps mistaken assumption that hetero women actually want men to be interested in them, I have some advice. It’s all carefully considered in that it relates to the visual distinction of femininity, I am even comfortable calling it a warlike “taking-back” of femininity. There’s personal leverage for you here as well: Because the majority of women have abandoned femininity wholesale, you can put yourself at the head of the line for consideration by the vast majority of males you run into by following these steps, which are really no more than fashion tips.

Tips you can count on

Zero sex appeal

Ladies… why, for Darwin’s sake, are you wearing pants? What are you thinking? Are you thinking? Let me put it this way: What would you think if the guys around you abandoned pants for skirts and dresses? I am sure I already know: “Gender-challenged”, “gay”, and “femmy.” And you’d be exactly right. So why is it then, that you think guys want to see you in pants? Sure, we put up with it, because we pretty much have to, but it is a rare fellow indeed who actually prefers to see you in pants. If they do, they’d just as soon see those pants so tight as to render the wearing of them entirely superfluous. Skirts and dresses can express any mood. Long and flowing, you can be mysterious. Short and tight, you can dangle the bait, as it were. In between, you can send any number of messages. Wearing pants, you’re just saying “I really don’t care” and in turn, that’s what my reaction is — I see you in pants, I ignore you just as I would if I saw some guy. Now, if that’s what you want, then I have great news for you: you’re there, baby. But… ick.

Gender confusion: Lose the pants, shorts and skorts, which I will collectively call “leggings”: Wearing leggings should be a fallback position you use to resolve challenges such as playing sports, riding horses, repairing automobiles and climbing on roofs. Guys like the mystery of a long dress or skirt, they like the general femininity of a medium length dress or skirt, and they will walk into posts in the presence of a short skirt or a strategically slit skirt. And wear hosiery. Always. Bare-legged women make me look for the granola bar and a barefoot kid trailing along behind, dragging a ragged teddy bear along the floor.

Much Better

Makeup: Be a little aggressive with that makeup. Don’t wear pink lipstick. We love your lips. So don’t shade them to a color that is close to your skin color, it makes them fade out of notice. Reds are good, darker shades are even better: Make your lips stand out. If you’re romantically inclined, use lip-liner. This is the lip-equivalent of a short skirt. Dramatic eye makeup, particularly dark eyeliner, causes your eyes to stand out and again, is probably the eye equivalent of a short skirt. Don’t use pastel greens and blues — that is so dated. Go dark! Figure out something that makes your eye makeup unique, then perfect it. Check out the “goth” chicks; while I’m not saying you have to look like you have a black eye, you will in fact find the most creative approaches to eye makeup in that subculture, and you may locate an idea or two you can adapt.

We (guys) think the female shape is perfect… use that: Dress to complement your natural curves. Your figure has a natural hourglass contour. Never, ever wear a shape that billows out or otherwise hides your waist. We like your waist. Never wear a shape that hides your bust. You’re not under the impression that we don’t like your bust, are you? Well, are you? Let’s talk about that a little more. Your breasts have a natural shape in front that we can speak generally of as your cleavage. This is a valley in the middle that grows deeper the lower it goes, with rounded curves rising away from it. Clothing that complements this will have a “V” dip in front such that it is lower in the center, even if only by an inch, and higher out towards, or onto, the shoulders. This allows the clothing to curve down and inward over the natural curve of your breasts, and by doing so, it implies further curvature and makes us guys think very, very positive things. The deeper that “V” is, the fewer syllables we will be able to use in words. Can I make my point any clearer?

The worst thing you can do is to wear clothing that cuts a straight line across your breasts, or a reversed curve, even if it is extremely low-cut. Such designs inevitably cut a “dent” into your female build, reducing the natural and powerful visual that men are uncontrollably attracted to. So, to recap: A “V” shape that goes lower in front to at least a degree that one can perceive there is such a shape, then up and over the shoulders no matter if they are covered or if we’re talking about spaghetti straps. Your female shape is “man-bait”, so don’t do things that mess with your natural lines.

While breasts are, ahem, on the tip of my tongue, let’s talk about breast enhancement, or more frankly, the insertion of a saline or silicone filled bag into your beauties. Don’t do it. No, really — don’t. Every guy I know, and I mean every guy, can tell the difference between fakes and the real thing once the clothes are off, and not one of us likes it. Really: I asked every fellow I knew, and not one of them had a kind word to say about enhancements. Not that there aren’t such men, but I sure don’t know any. And twerps who want you to have surgery to satisfy a fetish of theirs… not such a great choice anyway. So don’t do it.

You think your breasts are too small? I’ll bet you 98:2 odds that your guy doesn’t think so. Oh, I’m not saying we don’t like large breasts, what I’m saying is that yours are fine as they are and that fake breasts are not the same as large natural breasts! For your trouble, you will either have superfluous scars underneath your breasts, or scars on your nipples. You may lose feeling in one or both nipples because of nerve damage. Your breasts can get new (and undeserved!) stretch marks. And your man will never forget that your breasts are fake, either.

Just… don’t do it. You know what we really want from your breasts? We want you to pay attention to the nerve endings in them in the forlorn hope that we can drive you a little further out of your mind in bed. We don’t want bags of salt water. We want lust.

Jewelry: Small and delicate is the way to go. The larger the jewelry item you wear, the more you look like my grandmother. And you know, I never did want to jump my grandmother. No one else does, either. In fact, thinking of my grandmother, I don’t know how I even got here. I can’t be any clearer than that.

Underthings: I really don’t quite know where the interest in lingerie comes from in men, and perhaps it doesn’t bear close examination. The fact you need to know, though, is that our interest is real, powerful, and a quality tool at your fingertips if you but care to use it.

Men almost universally like lace. That’s the safest bet I know of. At those lucky times when we get to see you in your unmentionables, we like to see through things and get a peek at what might be ours to enjoy if we behave properly. So if you’re thinking of putting on a pair of cotton panties, or a padded, opaque or otherwise non-transparent item of underclothes from bras to camisoles, just… don’t. Put it away, or better yet, burn it. Go buy some lace. You’ll get more, er, bang, for your money. And don’t buy panties that go straight across, like those awful “boy panties.” You’re curvy down there, see to it that your panties make the same complementary sweep that I described for your cleavage. The panty cut known as “Brazilian” is the most complementary shape.

Hosiery: Pantyhose make your legs look better, and they’re convenient, or at least, certainly more convenient than stockings, which may require garters but at least require two separate applications instead of one. Pantyhose have numerous other disadvantages, though. First of all, they make you sweat. So on those optimum days when you connect sexually with someone after a long date, perhaps with dancing, they’re going to find a soggy mess underneath your pantyhose. Yech. And I think I speak for almost all hetero men when I say again, yech. We like wet when wet means “aroused”; we don’t like it when the signals are far too similar to those in a gym locker room.

Next, pantyhose are literally a “barrier to entry.” A fellow can’t get past them without ruining them, and so they’re just not very romantic… the only sexual function they have is to be gotten rid of. Finally, and we’re back to the sweating issue, they’re just not very sanitary. Cooking your femininity is not advisable. Bacteria love that. Guys hate bacteria, and I would think that you would, too.

A pink ribbon to remember But guys love hosiery. What to do? The answer is, of course, stockings. If you look in any men’s magazine, you are going to find women in thigh-high stockings and very often, various lacy garters to go along with them.

Now, pause to reflect: Why do you think this is such a constant? What is the universal message of these magazines? I’ll lay it out: They’re prodding men where they are most sexually prod-able, and that is your hint, ladies. If that clue isn’t broad enough, then maybe you should go back to pants.

Guys love stockings. No point in asking why, they just do. Stockings, at the cost of a little more effort on your part, fix every issue. You won’t be sweating. If you get into a sexual situation, the only barrier between you and he will be any lacy little nothing you wear as panties, if indeed you choose to wear any (that’s part of the mystery of wearing a dress or skirt, by the way — we don’t know what you’ve got hidden up there, and we are curious, you can count on it.) Should the clothes come off, stockings and garters are so attractive that you may feel like a tornado has hit you. On a hot date, showing the tops of your stockings will cause your date to lose the ability to do much more than stutter. There just is no down side.

Shoes: We like heels. The higher, the better. Of course, heels are annoying, and dangerous, to wear. So for the times when you’re unwilling to wear them (which I am guessing is mostly), we’d just as soon see platforms that get your heels up but give you some stability, expose the top of the foot, and ribbons or strings or ties that wrap and snake up the calf. You know exactly what I’m talking about. It was a lady who informed me these were called “f-me shoes.” As soon as she told me that, I’m right with the program. Of course they are. That’s what they make us want to do. And where’s the down side of that?

Hair: Long hair. When you go to the hairdresser, like a clothes vendor, that person has an agenda, and that agenda is, every time, to cut your hair. “It needs a trim”, “I see some split ends”, “let’s do something (cough) different!” Well, guys like long hair. We don’t like short hair. Take a poll. There is no other majority answer. You can do all manner of things with long hair. You can be elegant and French braid it. You can wear it out. You can curl it. You can color it. You can drag it across our bodies, causing… what? Oh. Sorry. Anyway, long hair. Stop cutting it. Just stop. Right now. No! Not even a little bit. STOP!

Nails: Longish nails are nice, if your life allows for it. But at least color them. Do not, and I repeat do not, get yourself a “French manicure” or go without polish. It looks awful. Reds, deep maroons, black, dark blues, etc. Not pink. Not white. You don’t want to look like a corpse. You can heat up those nails with tiny gems or other glittery goodness, and we’ll love it. Don’t bite them, don’t tear at them, don’t let them get ragged, and don’t clip them into the quick. We like your hands; ’nuff said.

Tattoos: Man. The main problem (and part of the attraction, I suppose) here is that these are permanent. Really permanent. You have been told they are removable with lasers and so forth, but the fact is, that not only takes several tries, there is no promise it’ll get it all out. Now, pardon me, but I do not want to read the name of your last boyfriend on your back or arm. Nor do I want to run into DaVinci’s last artwork on your shoulder blade. If you want to sport these things, get a temporary tattoo, enjoy it while it lasts, and wash it the heck off. That makes it a party, a fling, a temporary insanity. Instead of something that will scare half of male humanity away from you, make an evening gown impossible to wear without looking cheap, and even interfere with attempts to get some jobs. No tattoos.

Piercings: Piercings are interesting. Although at first consideration, they seem even more radical than tattoos, that’s really not the case. Take the jewelry out, and most piercings will heal without a scar (one notable exception being eyebrow piercings, so take note of that.) So for a safe piercing, that is, one that doesn’t put nerves at risk like a tongue piercing (eeeew!) or an actual through the clitoris piercing (EEEEWWW!), you can be crazy, go for it, wear it until you’re tired of it, pull the jewelry and away it will go. Just don’t pierce anything that won’t heal. I’ve been involved with luscious females who were pierced, and aside from a little annoyance about keeping clear of nipples I’d just as soon be fooling with, it’s really pretty darned sexy. It is radical, yet recoverable, again as long as you don’t take crazy risks. Talk to an expert, make sure you fully understand the risk of nerve damage, if any, for the piercing(s) you are interested in, and enjoy.

Shaving: Yes. Shave your pits. Shave your legs. If you’ve got a mustache or a hair growing from a nipple, it’s time to pluck. And stay on it; don’t let those buggers out. Ever. Us fellows are conditioned to jump as if we’ve seen a snake if presented with random body hairs. If you’ve got a significant other, ask if they’d prefer a shaved coochie. Almost certainly, the answer will be yes. Crotch jungle went out in the late 1970s. Tip: a product called “SoftSheen-Carson Magic Razorless Beard Remover”, “formulated exclusively for Black Men” is what you’re looking for. No burn, gets the job done, no fooling. I know, I know, you think I’m pulling your leg. I’m not. This is the stuff you want. Studly Black Men would scream like babies if their little chinnie-winnies got burned; and that curly black hair takes a lot of removing. Don’t believe me? Try it once.

Perfume: Yes, we like it. Don’t wear so much, though. As those gay gentlemen say, “Spray, delay, and walk away.” In other words, spray the perfume in the air instead of on you, wait a few moments for the nerve gas intensity cloud to dissipate, then walk away through the remains. Not only will you smell good, so will your room.