Archive for category Humor

Introducing the SJW language

Mellow greetings, special butterflies

Today (not to disrespect those on the other side of the national dateline – when I say today, I mean everyone’s today!) I (with full credit to everyone everywhere, of course) would like (this is not a statement of exclusion for things I don’t like) to introduce SJW, the language you can share without fear (not that fear is wrong, of course.)


• No insert() function: Instead, we have crafted a flawless nomeansno() function
• Fully complementary yesmeansno() and maybemeansno() functions
• No try:, because every function generates an exception!
exit() has been replaced with aloha().
• Procedure calls have been replaced with the respectful request paradigm, which obey the global mood settings
• 100% private internal assumption for all functions; offering data requires guessing if the function will take it or crash (exceptions guaranteed)
• Every access from within a function to another function must be embedded in a call to politewrapper()
politewrapper() implements infinite recursion by use of counters instead of ever returning up a level
• Every function ends with a sequence of calls to apologize(), cleanup() and washreturnvalue()
• All programs will be created equal: all code is treated exactly the same and does exactly the same thing, which is apologize for running.
• All programs are required to check their privileges before running.


I apologize for saying “national dateline” when clearly I should have said “international dateline.” I am sorry for any consternation caused to nationalists, internationalists, jingoists, and timekeepers. In addition, I apologize to anyone I failed to mention. I will now enter into a voluntary two-week exclusion from mentioning time in any form. I also apologize for violating that two week exclusion with the previous sentence. Also, as “previous” is a timewise reference, I also apologize for that. I’m sorry. Truly sorry. Which is not to offend those of you who are more sorry about other things. I fully respect that, I swear. Not in an offensive way, of course.

A Cautionary Wail

First they came for the aggressors, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not an aggressor.

Then they came for the micro-aggressors, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a micro-aggressor.

Then they came for the nano-aggressors, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a nano-aggressor.

Then they came for me—and I meekly submitted.

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News at 11

Dateline: Millions of light years (even faster parsecs than the Kessel run)

Lede: Scientists in the Dark; Does it Matter?

Today scientists announced that they can’t see anything happening with stuff they can’t see, but think is there, because otherwise the math is no good. After receiving directions to his laboratory on the phone, I went to see an authority on dark matter.

During the interview, Dr. Seemore Lichspittle told this Any Paper, Any Time reporter that the thing about dark matter that one has to understand is that “it goes to eleven.” When confronted with the observation that the sensing instruments only had scales from 0-10, he responded “Yes, yes, that’s exactly it. The numbers… the numbers only work out in the dark. When the instruments are off. Matter of fact, it’s all dark, really.”

At that point the interview was cut short as two lab assistants in white coats hustled Dr. Lichspittle into his own custom white lab jacket. Late for an important meeting, no doubt. As he left, nodding, he called back “it’s really quite dark.” Food for thought!

Leaving Arkham, I was struck by the picturesque beauty of the stonework, and very appreciative of the tight security. We can rest easy, knowing that national treasures like Dr. Lichspittle work in such a safe enviroment.

Just a story from /dev/random

the-zaWhen I was a kid, we had a wonderful, wonderful pizza place about 9 miles away from home called Nedzip’s Pizza. It was on Front Street in the little town of Port Jervis, NY. This pizza was, and I am so, so serious here, just the best. Perfect every time.

So this one time, my mother and I were out in the car waiting for our order, across the street a little bit diagonal to the pizza place, right next to the Texas Hot Dog emporium. A roller grill, the usual range of hot dog goodness, but after all… hot dogs. We were not there for hot dogs. It was summer, and our windows were down.
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Looking for some good TV?

Broadcast television is, in my opinion, kind of like the badlands of North Dakota. Occasionally pretty to look at, absolutely treacherous to wander around in, and the source of nothing of concrete value whatsoever.

Having said that, I have found the following efforts, uniformly produced by non-broadcast concerns, to be well worth the watching. In no particular order:

  • The Sopranos
  • Firefly (sadly, an incomplete series)
  • Weeds
  • Dexter
  • The Daily Show
  • Six Feet Under
  • Enterprise

That’s pretty much it. Just thought I’d drop this as heads-up for anyone who wasn’t aware of one or more of those shows; I’ve really enjoyed them, and so has Deb.

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Introducing Undercruiser and Fish

I’ve decided to publish a comic strip. For the time being, I’ll just be uploading it to my flickr account.

Presuming my creativity bump doesn’t deliquisce into a mound of quivering dysfunction, the plan is to build a web site around it and give it a home of its own. In the mean time, please feel free to visit my flickr account and check it out. Comments welcome!

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The Economy

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Robots? Oh yes, there WILL be robots…

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Cats: Who's running this show, anyway?

On Feline Adoption

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