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Dateline: Millions of light years (even faster parsecs than the Kessel run)

Lede: Scientists in the Dark; Does it Matter?

Today scientists announced that they can’t see anything happening with stuff they can’t see, but think is there, because otherwise the math is no good. After receiving directions to his laboratory on the phone, I went to see an authority on dark matter.

During the interview, Dr. Seemore Lichspittle told this Any Paper, Any Time reporter that the thing about dark matter that one has to understand is that “it goes to eleven.” When confronted with the observation that the sensing instruments only had scales from 0-10, he responded “Yes, yes, that’s exactly it. The numbers… the numbers only work out in the dark. When the instruments are off. Matter of fact, it’s all dark, really.”

At that point the interview was cut short as two lab assistants in white coats hustled Dr. Lichspittle into his own custom white lab jacket. Late for an important meeting, no doubt. As he left, nodding, he called back “it’s really quite dark.” Food for thought!

Leaving Arkham, I was struck by the picturesque beauty of the stonework, and very appreciative of the tight security. We can rest easy, knowing that national treasures like Dr. Lichspittle work in such a safe enviroment.