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Introducing the SJW language
Category: Humor
by Admin on Monday, November 2nd, 2015 at 19:19:26

Mellow greetings, Special Butterflies.

Today (not to disrespect those on the other side of the national dateline - when I say today, I mean everyone's today!) I (with full credit to everyone everywhere, of course) would like (this is not a statement of exclusion for things I don't like) to introduce SJW, the language you can share without fear (not that fear is wrong, of course.)

  • No  insert()  function: Instead, we have crafted a flawless  noMeansNo()  function
  • Fully complementary  yesMeansNo()  and  maybeMeansNo()  functions
  • No  try: , because every function generates an exception!
  •  exit()  has been replaced with  aloha() 
  • Procedure calls have been replaced with the respectful  request  paradigm, which obeys the global  mood  settings
  • 100% private internal assumption for all functions; offering data requires guessing if the function will take it or crash (exceptions guaranteed)
  • Every access from within a function to another function must be embedded in a call to  politewrapper() 
  •  politewrapper()  implements infinite recursion by use of counters instead of ever returning up a level
  • Every function ends with a sequence of calls to  apologize() ,  cleanUp()  and  washReturnValue() 
  • All programs will be created equal: all code is treated exactly the same and does exactly the same thing, which is apologize for running
  • All programs are required to check their privileges before running


I apologize for saying "national dateline" when clearly I should have said "international dateline." I am sorry for any consternation caused to nationalists, internationalists, jingoists, and timekeepers. I also apologize to Hawaiians for the cultural appropriation of "aloha." In addition, I apologize to anyone I failed to mention. I will now enter into a voluntary two-week exclusion from mentioning time in any form. I also apologize for violating that two week exclusion with the previous sentence. Also, as "previous" is a timewise reference, I also apologize for that. I'm sorry. Truly sorry. Which is not to offend those of you who are more sorry about other things. I fully respect that, I swear. Not in an offensive way, of course.

A Cautionary Wail

First they came for the aggressors, and I did not speak out — Because I was not an aggressor.

Then they came for the micro-aggressors, and I did not speak out — Because I was not a micro-aggressor.

Then they came for the nano-aggressors, and I did not speak out — Because I was not a nano-aggressor.

Then they came for me — and I meekly submitted.

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